i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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