Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
