I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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