could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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