On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
