"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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