Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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