ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
PANTIES FOUND
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