she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
