I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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