Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
50% drunk capacity currently
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
