Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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