so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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