He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
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OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
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he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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