What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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