Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
