Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
