my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
