why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
