i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
