I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
