i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
