I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
