I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
