Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
