I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
