I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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