farters have to be the big spoon...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
