They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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