Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
