dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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