Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
