i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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