Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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