; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
