I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
