I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
