If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
