I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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