Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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