All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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