Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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