I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
