I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
