He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Couch. On fire.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
