Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
