I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
