im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The air was thick with penises
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
