Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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