How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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