If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
