You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
