I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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