DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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