Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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