I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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