I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
