I should be sponsored by Trojan
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
