i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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